An Oldie But Goodie

This is one of those joke lists about Long Island drivers.

A right lane construction closure is just a game to see how any people can cut in line by passing you on the right, as you sit in the left lane waiting for the same jerks to squeeze their way back in before hitting the orange construction arrows.

Turn signals will give away your next move; a real Long Island driver never uses them. Use of them in Massapequa may be illegal.

Under no circumstances should you leave a safe distance between you and the car in front of you, or the space will be filled in by somebody else putting you in an even more dangerous situation.

Crossing two or more lanes in a single lane-change is considered "going with the flow."

Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to ensure that your ABS kicks in, giving a nice, relaxing foot massage as the brake pedal pulsates. (For those of you without ABS, it's a chance to stretch your legs).

The new electronic traffic warning system signs are not there to provide useful information, they are only there to make Long Island look high-tech and to distract you from seeing the State Police car parked behind the grassy knoll.

Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right. It's a good way to scare people entering the highway.

Never get in the way of an older car that needs extensive bodywork.

Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as suggestions and not enforceable during rush hour.

Just because you're in the left lane and have no room to speed up or move over doesn't mean that a Long Island driver, flashing his high beams behind you, doesn't think he can go faster in your spot.

Please remember that there is no such thing as a shortcut during rush-hour traffic on Long Island.

Always slow down and rubberneck when you see an accident or even someone changing a tire.

Learn to swerve abruptly. Long Island is the home of high-speed slalom driving thanks to our State Legislature, who put potholes in key locations to test drivers' reflexes and keep them on their toes.

Seeking eye contact with another driver revokes your right of way, except in Garden City where it acts as an invitation to duel or play chicken.

The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller the chance you have of getting hit.

It is traditional on Long Island to honk your horn at cars that don't move the instant the light changes.

Never take a green light at face value. Always look right and left before proceeding; remember that the goal of every Long Island driver is to get there first, by whatever means necessary.

Gas will always be more expensive on Long Island because everyone's too busy to care!

Construction signs warn you about road closures immediately after you pass the last exit before the backup.

Throwing litter on the roads adds color to the landscape and gives Adopt-a-Highway crews something to clean up.

It is assumed that state police cars passing at high speed may be followed in the event you need to make up a few minutes on your way to work, or the beach.

Real Long Island female drivers can put on pantyhose, apply eye makeup, and balance the checkbook at seventy-five miles per hour, during a snowstorm, in bumper-to-bumper traffic.

Real Long Island men drivers can remove panty hose and a bra at seventy-five miles per hour in bumper-to-bumper traffic.

All Long Island drivers are required to use a cellular phone while driving. It makes it easier to call 911 when they hit someone and the Police can respond more quickly to block off 2 or more lanes of traffic ... especially during rush hour.

And, finally ...


Heavy fog and rain are no reasons to change any of the above rules. These weather conditions are God's way ensuring the economic well-being of body shops, junk yards and new vehicle sales.
However, snow (no matter how light) constitutes a mandate to slow to 20 mph less than the speed necessary to deal with the condition. Ice, even if only patchy, is considered a reasonable excuse for not going to work and spending the day shopping instead.